Postcard #4

Picture of Nicholas taken at age 3 (Spring of 2007).

Then one day all too soon

she’ll grow up & she’ll leave her doll and her prince & her silly old bear.

When she goes they will cry

As they whisper good-bye

They will miss her I knowbut then so will I.

Except from “Waltz For Debby”
Music by Bill Evans and Lyrics by Gene Lees



Today I went through some of Nicholas’ clothes that are too small for him. They are hand-me-downs from his older brother, Benjamin. These clothes jog many fond memories for me. But today, I folded them up neatly and packed them in a box and sealed it. It was a bitter-sweet moment as I was de-cluttering and organizing his closet, but also packing away a part of his life. Perhaps this is why it’s taken me so long to organize his clothes; because I didn’t want to admit that my little guy is not so little anymore. As children grow fast, generally people buy bigger clothes for them rather than the right size so that children can wear it longer. But sometimes, I find myself buying clothes that Nicholas can only wear for a short period of time. Afterwards I’m a bit annoyed with myself as I feel as though I’ve spent money for the clothes which will not last very long.
Going through his clothes today and packing them away was like, as I mentioned before, closing that part of his life. Nicholas is in Kindergarten now and he is not a little boy anymore. Perhaps I’m in denial or not ready to face the next stage of Nicholas’ life. It’s been hard at times to see my young children grow, I realize that they are still very young, however, they change and to see that happen, when it hits you, it’s not easy. Performative inquiry as “knowing, being, doing, and creating,” I feel that I did that as I was packing Nicholas’ clothes today. I understand, and will be more willing to accept when I am at this kind of a junction, that I perhaps was creating a new phase for Nicholas. I knew what to do, I was doing the task, I was being the mother-organizer, and I was creating a new space physically and emotionally for Nicholas and myself for many more loving memories.